It’s not enough just to learn the words.
It’s not even enough to drink tea and biscuits.
You must learn to say Man United properly, without prouncing the ‘t’ in United.
You must learn the correct word stress in such words as controversy.
You must know the latest goings-on in such things as eastenders.
Perhaps more importantly, you must know that a v-sign the wrong way round can lead to insult, that swivelling your finger in a forwards movement to the right of your head means someone is crazy.
To access your news, you must get it off the bbc (no, not bbc world but bbc 1 or bbc news 24 – London version) so you know whether it will snow tomorrow in London or not, the latest concocted plan Boris Johnson has for London, and whether there will (almost certainly not) be major new refurbishing works on the Jubilee line.
You must be up-to-the-minute in whether everything’s going well in preparations for London 2012 (which of course, you love).
You must sing the national anthem standing up with hand on your heart whenever England beat Croatia 5-1 to qualify for the next world cup, and bellow Swing Low, Sweet Chariot when the Australian scrum starts creaking backwards in a world cup quarter final in Marseille.
In short, you must be English.